SloMo*Rabbit*Kick*About

About (face):

jay

Back in 1981, a huge basket with a surprising cargo washed ashore near the sea-view mansion owned by Bernard Sumner of New Order. Inside the basket, swaddled in a coarse woolen blanket and clutching a Fisher Price toy vibraphone, was a thirteen year old lad from the U.S. named Bass Monster. Yes, it was an extraordinarily large basket. Bernard, being the softie that he is, took in young Bass Monster and helped raise him. He taught him how to make cornbread in an iron skillet, and also how to play anti-solos on guitar. Bernard and his friends were concerned at first because Bass Monster was so very slow, he seemed always in a state of near slow motion in fact. However, in his own childish, brutish way Bass Monster was so very grateful to Bernard, almost painfully so. As his chief enjoyment, Bass Monster undertook the care of the grounds around the manor house, and took an especial delight in burning the yard clippings in an old steel barrel behind the stables.

As time went on, the Bass Monster grew and grew, physically if not exactly mentally. And yes, the young fellow managed to learn the guitar, with Bernard's help, and soon learned every New Order song by heart. It got to a point where he saw the world, not in terms of black and white, but in terms of analog drums and electronic drums, synths versus electric guitars. Thus a certain dialectic was imprinted on the young Bass Monster, and this early guiding principle stayed with him as he entered into the early stages of manhood, i.e. public schools, trying his hand at smoking, engaging in fisticuffs, stealing cars, and all the other things that British boys do.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the globe, in the former British colony known as the US of A, a young girl (later to be known as Bass Monster Lady, but currently known as Bass Monster Girl) was attending fourth grade in a public school in Dayton, Ohio. That's right. Her teacher was a curly headed dude named Mr. Pollard. He played lots of air guitar to the class, and sometimes would sing his answers in response to a student's question.

In 2003, Bass Monster Lady and Bass Monster got together in Seattle, remarked on the considerable coincidence regarding their names, and recorded an album in their basement (affectionately and literally called KittyBox Studios). They decided to call this album "Bass Monster Lives in the Bass Forest" on a dare.

P.S. None of this is true. Apologies to the famous people involved.